My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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