my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
