Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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