Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
