I wanna passion pit in your ass
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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