Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
