I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
