I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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