I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.