Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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