omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You know, be my cock's hype man.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
