My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
