i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
