By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
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Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.