She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
