I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
