There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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