Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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