Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
