Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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