So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You made out with two different species that night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
