My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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