Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
