Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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