i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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