thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I see more hoeing in ur future
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