I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
