There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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