wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
