i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
