so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
