i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options