I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
