dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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