dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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