I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i think im in europe. pls send help
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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