i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
