STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
