I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
