After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
