Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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