So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
