Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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