Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She even gives head with a lisp.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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