if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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