I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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