We won't sleep together?
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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