listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
