I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
