I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Holy sore nipples Batman
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
