someone get that fucking seahorse.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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