the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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