i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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