i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
