i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
