If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
