Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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