Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
