he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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