wat bout pragnant strippers??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
