Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
